Jokes quotes |
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Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow...I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
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Peter Kay |
You have to open your mind to every new experience. This week I've been sneezing with my eyes open.
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Billy Connolly |
This 3-year-old kid is home alone, and a salesman comes to the door. The kid answers, and he’s got a porno in one hand, a cigar in one hand and a bottle of J.D. The salesman goes, “Hi, little boy, are your parents home?” The kid goes, “What the f**k do you think?”
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Avril Lavigne |
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Tommy Cooper |
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
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Tommy Cooper |
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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Tommy Cooper |
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
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Tommy Cooper |
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Tommy Cooper |
A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
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Tommy Cooper |
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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Tim Vine |
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